10pm: Lights off.


10.02pm: Lights on. Boyfriend convinced I’m using “his” pillow.


10.05pm: Lights off.


10.08pm: Lights on. I’m convinced we forgot to lock front door and evil person will sneak in and steal Felix. Boyfriend begrudgingly checks.


10.10pm: Door was indeed locked. Lights off.






Both out of bed like a shot, lights on, books in hands ready to thwack.


10.25-10.50pm: Increasingly agitated mosquito hunt to the backdrop of me blaming boyfriend for leaving windows open too much.


10.55pm. BAM. Got it with a flip flop.


10.06pm: Far more convivial conversation comparing noisy English mosquitoes with the seemingly quieter but more vampire-esque ones found in warmer climes.


11.07pm: What IS the ecological point of the mosquito?


11.10pm: Google “what is point of mosquitoes?”


11.13pm: Answer appears to be none whatsoever. Weird.


11.25pm: Oh for god’s sake why are we now both on Facebook??


11.30pm Lights out.


11.45: Felix: “waaaaaah!!!”


11.50: Both pretend to be asleep in the hope other person gets up.


11.55: “waaaaaaaaaaahh!”




12.01am: I get up. Loudly.


12.05am: Scrabble around floor in dark trying to locate just one of the five billion dummies I’ve bought over the last year.


12.21am: Dummy in. Baby silenced. Good.


12.22-2am Wailing child intermittently pacified by two increasingly despairing parents.


2am: In a highly naive move, take him into our bed.


2.05am: Felix giggling with delight as he smacks us alternately in the head.


2.10am: Felix wailing loudly as we pin him down between us.


2.15am: Felix giggling with delight as he smacks us alternately in the head.


2.20am: Felix back in cot.


2.45am: Fill Felix so full of milk he finally passes out.


3am: Am WIDE awake. Can hear faint thuddings of a party a couple of houses away.


3.10am: Is boyfriend asleep?? He can’t be.


3.11am: He IS! How do people DO that??


3.15am: Sigh loudly and wriggle enough so the mattress bounces him up and down a bit.


3.20am: Nothing.


3.21am: Whisper “are you awake?”


3.22am: Nothing.


3.25am: Louder whisper: “I can’t sleep!




“I can’t sleep. Can you?”




3.40am: “They’re having a party. It’s reeeeally loud.”


Get told to either shut up or go and join fucking party.


3.45am: I COULD go and join the party. Could probably just walk in. I’ve got half a bottle of Prosecco in the fridge.


4am: They’re playing Basement Jax.


4.10am: I bet they’re all smoking. I miss smoking.


4.15am: Now playing Underworld – Born Slippy


4.16am: You know what. I’m gonna get a cherry flavoured e cigarette!


4.17am: “Shoutin larga larga larga…”


4.25am: Actually feeling quite sleepy now.


5am: Felix: “Waaaaaaaahhh!”