APPLE2.jpg

 

An Apple Store, somewhere in southwest England…

 

Young man in thick-rimmed specs: “Hi there! How can we help you today?”

 

Me: “I would like to buy a phone please…”

 

look at his badge

 

“… iDave.”

 

iDave: “Sure! I’ll take your name and Paul, who is managing the queue, will be with you shortly.”

 

*Does something nifty on his iPad without even looking*

 

iDave: “In the mean time, take a look at the new iPhone 6 and 6 Plus..”

 

“…and have some fun!” *winks*

 

Pick up iPhone 6. Oooooo. So liiiiight. So thiiiin.

 

Flick into messages. Messages that previous potential phone buyers have tried to send include “u r a twat” and “phone wanker”.

 

iPaul: “Ruth? Hi!”

 

“I’m managing the queue! There are several people in the queue, but you are now also in the queue!”

 

Look around, confused.

 

Me: “Oh… well… good!”

 

iPaul: “I see you’re taking a look at the new iPhone 6 – good choice!” *winks*

 

Me: “Right… thanks.”

 

Spend next ten minutes silently mulling over the ridiculousness of the wink

 

iJames: “Ruth?”

 

“Hi there! How can I help you?”

 

Me: “I would like to buy a phone please.”

 

iJames: “Any model in mind?”

 

Me: “Well…

 

oh god I don’t know

 

Me: “Well, I do quite like those Nokias with the changing covers!”

 

Smile, cheekily

 

iJames: (Without blinking) “We sell iPhones.”

 

Me: “Right. Yes. Well one of those would also be great.”

 

iJames: “Any model in mind?”

 

Me: (seriously) “I really like the white ones.”

 

iJames: “The models currently available to buy in store are the 5s, the 6 and the 6 Plus. They come in silver, gold… and Space Gray.

 

Me: “Space Gray?”

 

iJames: “Yes. Space Gray.”

 

“There is also the 5c, but to be honest this is now bottom of the range and only has 8GB storage.”

 

Me: “Uh huh”

 

iJames: “I would say you will need at least 16GB – probably 32. But then, of course, with the latest models, 64 is the new 32.”

 

Me: “Uh… huh”

 

iJames: “But then, of course, our new iCloud Photos App will give you a lot more to play with.”

 

Me: “umm… of… course”

 

Ok ok don’t panic. It doesn’t matter you have absolutely no idea what any of this means.

 

Juuuust take control of the situation…

 

Me: (assertively) “I. Like. This!”

 

Point to iPhone 6

 

Me: “How much does it cost?”

 

iJames: (continuing, as if I’d not said a word) “A great new feature on the new iPhones is the slow motion video capacity – up from 120 frames per second in the 5s to 240 frames per second in the 6!”

 

Me: (More faintly) “So how… how much?”

 

iJames: “Oh… well we can certainly look at some different tariffs for you.”

 

Cue lots of info on prices that, when all put together, sound alarmingly like paying lots now and then lots every month for a long time.

 

But, they do look really pretty. And thin. And that screen…so…

 

… flat.

 

Me: “Ok yep I’ll get one”

 

iJames: “Ah, well actually we’ve completely sold out.”

 

Me: “Sorry – you don’t have any?”

 

iJames: “No.”

 

Me: “You don’t have the phone you were just talking about?”

 

iJames: “No.”

 

Me: “Er… well… when will you have them in?”

 

iJames: “I’m really not sure. Soon though!”

 

Me: “Soooo… you’ll ring me when you have some more in?”

 

iJames: “No. We don’t do that.”

 

“What you need to do is to look online  – here”

 

Brings up website on iPad

 

“Select the store and the model, and it will tell you when that store has that model in.”

 

“See look – that’s us. We don’t have any. At all. See? So keep checking online, and as soon as you see we have them, come in.”

 

“Hopefully there will still be some. They are sold on a first come first served basis.”

 

Me: “But… I’m here.”

 

iJames: (smiles for the first time since we started talking) “But, we don’t have any!”

 

Me: “But I… I’ve been here for 55 minutes.”

 

iJames: Blinks, blankly.

 

Me: “Ok bye.”

 

Stomp to Carphone Warehouse to purchase another type of phone that will be JUST as nice.

 

Leave three minutes later, cursing all other phones for being so damn ugly.

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