1. Having a bath with a toddler is a bad idea unless you are ok with a knome-sized naked person pointing and laughing hysterically at your boobs.


2. Having a bath with a toddler is an even worse idea if he’s yet to do his afternoon poo.


3. Pixie Lott is apparently the way to finally get your boyfriend to sit through Strictly Come Dancing.


4. Don’t ever infer that Strictly Come Dancing is more rewarding than watching Man U play football.


5. Leave the house whenever Man U play football.


6. Sipping wine during your haircut is relaxing. Downing several glasses very early on is unwise for various reasons. (see 7. & 8.)


7. Don’t talk in great detail about your toddler’s ear infection to your hair dresser. He really, really doesn’t care.


8. Don’t talk in great detail about why you don’t suit your very, very short haircut to your boyfriend every single morning for a week. Again, he’s not that fussed.


9. When your traumatised boyfriend is re-telling how your toddler vomited over the entire inside of his car, don’t laugh.


10. When you’ve spent the weekend basking in freedom and Prosecco on a hen do, don’t expect the person who’s spent the majority of their weekend scrubbing toddler puke from the soft furnishings of their Audi to be particularly happy for you.