Boyfriend: “See, that outfit is nice.”


Look over at his phone to see a picture of Kanye West in a bow tie.


Me: “mmmm.”


Me: “I just wonder if Kanye is the right sartorial role model for someone who thinks wearing stripy pants is a risky fashion statement?”


Boyfriend: “But we’ve got weddings. A bow tie for weddings is different… unexpected!”


Me: “mmmm.”


Boyfriend: “mmmm.”


Boyfriend: “What are you going to wear?”


Me: “Oh, I’ve not really given it much thought.”


“But, I did happen to buy this dress, these shoes, this bag, this necklace and this headband…”


*pull out neatly assembled wedding outfit from back of wardrobe*


“So probably that.”


Boyfriend: “Woah.”


“That is a lot of sequins.”


Me: “Yes. But I don’t get to go out much do I?”


“So I when I do go out, I might as well go out out – you know?”


Boyfriend: “mmmm.”


*goes back to flicking through images of chiselled men in bow ties*


Me: “Oooh I went shopping today and bought a hat!”


*whip out hat from behind the bedroom chair where I store the unnecessary impulse purchases to be gradually phased into wardrobe without him noticing*


Me: “Like it?”


*Said as a question, but meant more as a direction*


Boyfriend: “I don’t love it, if I’m honest.”


Me: *silence*


Boyfriend: “What?! You asked!”


Me: *silence*


Boyfriend: “It’s just a bit… quirky.”


Me: “It’s a navy blue woollen hat.”


Boyfriend: “I’m just being honest. If I’m honest then when I say things look nice you will know they actually do.”


Me: “Well I can’t wear it now because I know you don’t like it. But I can’t take it back because I’ve taken the tags off.”


“So I’ve just wasted £20. Great.”


Boyfriend: “You asked!!”


Me: “I don’t wear earrings because the dangling freaks you out. I don’t wear lace because it reminds you of dead people. And now navy blue hats are too quirky. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR??”


Boyfriend: “You looked nice the other day.”


Me: “When?”


Boyfriend: “I can’t remember, but you were wearing jeans.”


Me: “I’m going to bed.” *stomp out of room*


*stomp back in again a few seconds later*


“Which jeans?”