Kanye

 

Boyfriend: “See, that outfit is nice.”

 

Look over at his phone to see a picture of Kanye West in a bow tie.

 

Me: “mmmm.”

 

Me: “I just wonder if Kanye is the right sartorial role model for someone who thinks wearing stripy pants is a risky fashion statement?”

 

Boyfriend: “But we’ve got weddings. A bow tie for weddings is different… unexpected!”

 

Me: “mmmm.”

 

Boyfriend: “mmmm.”

 

Boyfriend: “What are you going to wear?”

 

Me: “Oh, I’ve not really given it much thought.”

 

“But, I did happen to buy this dress, these shoes, this bag, this necklace and this headband…”

 

*pull out neatly assembled wedding outfit from back of wardrobe*

 

“So probably that.”

 

Boyfriend: “Woah.”

 

“That is a lot of sequins.”

 

Me: “Yes. But I don’t get to go out much do I?”

 

“So I when I do go out, I might as well go out out – you know?”

 

Boyfriend: “mmmm.”

 

*goes back to flicking through images of chiselled men in bow ties*

 

Me: “Oooh I went shopping today and bought a hat!”

 

*whip out hat from behind the bedroom chair where I store the unnecessary impulse purchases to be gradually phased into wardrobe without him noticing*

 

Me: “Like it?”

 

*Said as a question, but meant more as a direction*

 

Boyfriend: “I don’t love it, if I’m honest.”

 

Me: *silence*

 

Boyfriend: “What?! You asked!”

 

Me: *silence*

 

Boyfriend: “It’s just a bit… quirky.”

 

Me: “It’s a navy blue woollen hat.”

 

Boyfriend: “I’m just being honest. If I’m honest then when I say things look nice you will know they actually do.”

 

Me: “Well I can’t wear it now because I know you don’t like it. But I can’t take it back because I’ve taken the tags off.”

 

“So I’ve just wasted £20. Great.”

 

Boyfriend: “You asked!!”

 

Me: “I don’t wear earrings because the dangling freaks you out. I don’t wear lace because it reminds you of dead people. And now navy blue hats are too quirky. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO WEAR??”

 

Boyfriend: “You looked nice the other day.”

 

Me: “When?”

 

Boyfriend: “I can’t remember, but you were wearing jeans.”

 

Me: “I’m going to bed.” *stomp out of room*

 

*stomp back in again a few seconds later*

 

“Which jeans?”

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