Enemy1.jpg

 

Me: “Right, where are my keys?”

 

Felix: “KEY!”

 

*runs around in small circles flapping his arms like an excited penguin shouting “KEY KEY KEY KEY KEY!”

 

Me: “Now, if Im not mistaken, you had them last…”

 

“Hmmm.”

 

*more running and flapping*

 

Felix: “KEY KEY KEY KEY KEY!”

 

“Mummy key!”

 

Me: “Yes, mummy’s keys… where are they?!”

 

Felix: “Mummy key…

 

… Mummy sock… Mummy bag… MUMMY SHOE!”

 

Me: “Hmmm.”

 

Felix: “Mummy… BALL!”

 

Ten minutes of attempting to retrace the steps of an intensely hyperactive toddler locates keys inside a yoghurt pot in the recycling bin.

 

Me: “Ok. Got keys. Good. Now… shoes!”

 

Felix, pointing to his wellies: “Willy!”

 

Me: “Welly.”

 

Felix: *waggling small blue welly around while resuming penguin circles*

 

“WILLY WILLY WILLY WILLY WILLY!”

 

Me: “Ok yep let’s put the willies WELLIES on.”

 

*Small blue wellington boot hurtles across room*

 

Me: “No no – don’t take your welly off darling. Keep welly on, Felix. WELLY ON.”

 

*Second small blue welly hurtles across room. Followed by two socks*

 

Felix: “Uh oh. Willy gone.”

 

Me: “Yes my love. That’s because you took them off and threw them.”

 

Repeat whole welly-on-welly-off process twice.

 

Give up on footwear for the time being.

 

Me, mustering as much enthusiasm as possible to gee myself up for The Big Battle that is now imminent…

 

“Ok! Coat!”

 

The moment the coat touches Felix’s arm he flings himself to the floor in spasms of angry despair and starts beating his fists, legs and even head on the floor.

 

Me: “No, Felix, no it’s ok – don’t do… seriously, love, that must really hurt!”

 

Felix: “No no nooooooo no no no no noooooooo!”

 

Me: “Come on darling, it’s just a coat! It means you can go outside and be warm! It’s January – brrrrr!”

 

Attempt to pick him up, while he makes this as difficult as possible by switching on that superhuman toddler ability to transform their body into one huge flailing muscle – rather like a giant angry fish.

 

*head butts my head in the process which produces renewed angry wailing*

 

We are never going to leave the house. Ever.

 

After a two quick rounds of Wheels On The Bus to calm him down, and with the help of about 60 raisins, manage to get child into coat, and be-coated child strapped into buggy.

 

Felix, gleefully through mouthful of raisins: “Willy!”

 

Me: “Yep thats right darling – now we can put the wellies on! But we will put on socks first – ooooh look green ones!”

 

“No love – keep them on… don’t…”

 

*green sock hurtles over my head*

 

Me, putting his socks on again as quick as possible: “We need to put the socks on to put the wellies on my love!”

 

Felix: “Mummy sock!”

 

*Pulls of both socks and throws them as far as he possibly can* (side note: pretty sure he can already throw further than I can)

 

Felix: “Uh oh. Sock gone.”

 

Repeat socks-on-wellies-on-wellies-off-socks-off process three times.

 

Fifteen minutes later…

 

Neighbour, looking down at buggy and a somewhat disgruntled Felix: “Aw look at him all bundled up.”

 

“His arms look so tightly wrapped up in that blanket he can barely move!”

 

Me: “Uh huh! See you later!”

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