The kitchen, 6pm…


Me: “I’m going to talk to the doctor.”


Boyfriend: “Babe, seriously. Lots of toddlers don’t sleep that much.”


Me: “It says here that toddlers need lots of sleep for their brains to develop properly.”


Boyfriend: “I think it’s just a sign we’ve produced a really intelligent child. It’s a well known fact that intelligent people need less sleep.”


*both look over to Felix who is sat inside the recycling box shouting “Felix bang! Felix bang!” while hitting himself over the head with a plastic bottle.*


Me: “Hmmm.”


“Look – it says here they should get 12 to 13 hours. THIRTEEN HOURS. He’s barely doing half that! We’ve got to face facts – his brain is only being given half the chance to develop. If we don’t act soon, he is going to have a half-developed brain.”


Felix, toddling up and tugging determindely on all available trouser legs: “Ray ray?”


“Dadeee ray ray? Mummee ray ray?”


Boyfriend: “Not now love. I gave you lots of raisins earlier.”


Me: “You gave him raisins? But I gave him raisins.”


Boyfriend: “There you go! He’s playing us off against each other – clever boy!”


*pats a grinning Felix on the head*


Me: “Well he can’t have any more. Especially not while he’s refusing to brush his teeth. They will all rot and fall out. And then we’ll have to explain it to the people at nursery.”


“Oh God – and our mums.”


Boyfriend: “These ones fall out anyway don’t they?”


Me: “Not yet they don’t!”


Boyfriend: “Maybe this is just another sign he’s so intelligent. He knows these teeth are going to fall out, so he’s like what’s the point in brushing them.”


*both look over at Felix again who is now facedown on top of the full laundry basket giggling to himself because he thinks no one can see him*


Me: “I’m not massively behind your supreme intelligence theory, to be honest.”


Boyfriend: “Hold on… have you cut the back of his hair?”


*points to a particularly tufty patch on the back of Felix’s head*


Me: “It got so matted with yoghurt and play-doh it was forming a giant dreadlocks. I gave him a chocolate biscuit so he would sit still then I snipped it off. Oh God he’s had chocolate today too. Right. No more sugar for the foreseeable future. Even fruit.”


Boyfriend: “Well he might be on a diet, but I’m not.”


*opens the fridge*


Me: “No! Don’t let him see the….”


Boyfriend: “What?”


Felix: “Gwape! Gwape!”


Me, head in hands: “Too late.”


“No grapes now darling! If you’re still hungry, finish the rest of your dinner. Look salmon! It’s pink! And mmmmmm yummy broccoli… baby trees!”




Boyfriend: “Don’t blame you mate. Cold fish and cold broccoli. Blurgh.”


Me: *Silent glare*


Me: “Look. We have to be strong. Fish is very good for brains.”


*Look over to Felix who is so beside himself with grief that he’s now taken to violently smashing cold broccoli into his ears*


“His clearly needs all the help it can get.”