Clockpic

 

 

3.10am, the other side of our bedroom wall…

 

 

“FIRE ENGINE!”

 

 

 

“WANT FIRE ENGINE!”

 

 

 

“FELIX. NEED. FIRE ENGINE!!”

 

 

“Neee naaaaw neeee naaaw!”

 

 

3.15am-3.30am…

 

 

“Neeee naaaaaaw!”

 

 

“Neeee naaaaaaaw!”

 

 

“Neeee naaaaaaaaw!”

 

 

“Neeeeeeeeeee…”

 

 

“….NAAAAAAAAWWWW!”

 

 

3.45am…

 

 

“Ello panda!”

 

“Pan-Da!”

 

“Pandapandapandapandapanda!”

 

“Panda is NOT a horse”

 

“HE’S NOT!”

 

*thud*

 

“Panda gone”

 

“PANDA GOOOOOOOONE!”

 

“MUMMMEEEEEEEEEE”

 

“PANDAAAAAAAAA”

 

“MUMMEEEEEEEE!”

 

 

4am…

 

 

“Want a banarnaaar!”

 

“Ba-narrrr-naaaarrrr”

 

“BA-NAAARRRR-NAAAAARRR”

 

“BANNAARNAAR IS NOT A CAR!”

 

“HE’S NOT!”

 

 

 

4.20am…

 

 

“Postman Paaaat… Postman Paaaaaat… black ‘n’ white caaaat…”

 

“BLACK ‘N’ WHITE CAT!!!!!”

 

“CAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!”

 

 

 

4,30am…

 

 

“Twiiiiinkle twiiiiinkle little… FELIX!

 

*hysterical laughter*

 

“Ow I wunda what you… FELIX!”

 

*more hysterical laughter*

 

 

 

4.45am…

 

 

“MINE!”

 

“MINE MINE MINE NEED IT MINE NO!”

 

 

 

5am…

 

 

“Willy in nappy!”

 

“Felix willy an Daddy willy but mummy no willy no.”

 

 

“MUMMY NOT WILLY!”

 

 

 

8am, inside our bedroom….

 

Me: “Oh my GOD it’s 8 o’clock.”

 

Boyfriend: “It can’t b… oh my GOD you’re right”

 

“But I can’t hear… anything…”

 

*silence*

 

*silence*

 

*both leap out of bed and sprint into next room*

 

Boyfriend, looking down at softly snoring child: “Hmmm…”

 

Me: “We’ve got half an hour before we need to leave for nursery…”

 

“I guess…. we…. wake him up…?!”

 

*silence*

 

Boyfriend: “You do it”

 

Me: “NO!”

 

Boyfriend: “Sssshhh!”

 

Me: *whispering* “Sorry! But the last time we woke him up was, you know…

 

…that time in Wales.”

 

*both shudder*

 

Boyfriend: “But it’s gone eight….”

 

“We have to wake him up”

 

*bends down over cot and whispers*

 

“Feeelix…”

 

“Feeeeeeeelix…”

 

*silence*

 

“Feeeeeeeeeeeeelix…”

 

*silence*

 

“Felix?

 

“FELIX!”

 

“LOOK! A MASSIVE RED FIRE ENGINE!”

 

*silence*

 

“Right that’s it. Pick him up.”

 

*tentatively scoop up floppy child”

 

*silence – aside from snoring, which is now considerably louder as his head is hanging right back and mouth wide open*

 

Boyfriend: “Felix buddy! Time to wake up now!”

 

Felix’s face tightens, mouth closes, eyes screw up, face turns purple and mouth re-opens to form the precise shape that gives best acoustics to a high-decibel scream…

 

*quickly lie him back down in cot*

 

Felix’s face resumes its normal pinkish hue, eye muscles relax and snoring begins once more.

 

Boyfriend: “Well there’s no other option.”

 

“One of us has to phone in sick.”

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