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Felix: “My willy is trapped!”

 

Me: “No, no it’s not. Your willy is fine sweetheart.”

 

Felix: “MY WILLY IS TRAPPED!”

 

“HELP MEEEEEEE!”

 

*Look around*

 

At least ten people in the women’s wear section of Marks and Spencer are staring at us.

 

“He hates wearing trousers!” I say brightly to two ladies browsing khaki jeggings.

 

Felix: “Trousers off!”

 

Me: “No, trousers stay on Felix. Trousers stay…”

 

“Put your trousers back on Felix. Put your trousers back o…”

 

“No… NO…darling”

 

*deep breath*

 

“Please leave your nappy alo…”

 

“Felix Benjamin put your nappy back on RIGHT NOW.

 

*Watch as a small white bottom disappears behind a rail of pink cardigans*

 

“Shit.”

 

Loud giggling emanates from the cardigans.

 

Me: “Right. OK.”

 

“Right.”

 

“OK…

 

 

…right.”

 

*Pick up wee-soaked nappy, trousers and shoes.*

 

Three raisins tumble out of a shoe and bounce their way to the feet of jeggings ladies.

 

Pink cardigans are now visibly shaking to the rhythm of a hysterically laughing toddler.

 

Felix, between cackles: “I hiding!”

 

“Mummy! I hiding!”

 

Have distinct suspicion that the jeggings ladies are no longer actually considering stretchy springtime leg wear, but merely faux-browsing in order to see how this pans out.

 

An elderly couple are now peering around a cluster of paisley trousers, and a member of staff re-organising quilted gilets has angled herself in our direction with notable interest.

 

*Adopt a casual ‘It is Perfectly Normal to Have Your Child Half-Naked in the Middle of M&S’ smile and stroll towards trembling pink cardigans.*

 

Oh god the sign says cashmere. Has he done his daily poo? Has he????

 

*Kneel down inches from nearest pink cardigan*

 

Me: “Ok Felix. Here’s the deal.”

 

“You have to wear a nappy and trousers in shops.”

 

Felix: “No! I got my bottom!”

 

*more giggling*

 

Me: “You have wear a nappy and trousers in shops, otherwise… a monster will come and eat you.”

 

“A really big monster will come and eat you right now.”

 

*silence*

 

Felix: “Big monster eat Felix?”

 

Me: “Yep.”

 

“But, it’s OK. Because if you put your nappy and trousers back on, he won’t eat you. Because, you see, monsters don’t like trousers. They think they are yucky.”

 

Felix: “Peas are yucky.”

 

Me: “Well, that’s your opini…”

 

Felix: “BEANS ARE YUCKY!!!”

 

Me: “Felix, let’s not stray from the serious issue facing us here.”

 

“You are going to be eaten by a really big monster unless you put your nappy and trousers on.”

 

“If you put them on… then, well, you won’t.”

 

*head pops out from between two fluffy pink sleeves*

 

Felix: “Where is monster?”

 

Me: “Over there, behind the…”

 

*try to think of a child-appropriate word for gilet*

 

“… behind the silly puffy jacket things with no arms.”

 

Lady who has been tending to said gilets walks around the corner.

 

With three springs and an enthusiastic “I’M A DRAGON RAAAARGH!” Felix leaps out from the cardigans and into the path of slightly alarmed gilet lady.

 

Felix: “Mummy I dragon and I put fire over monster!”

 

*Blows pretend fire and a lot of actual saliva over her legs.*

 

*Looks up at lady*

 

*Lady looks at me*

 

*I look back at lady*

 

What I want to say is “I really am awfully sorry my half-naked son has spat on your knees, and I really will do my very best to prevent him from wee-ing on the floor.”

 

What I find myself saying is: “Well done Felix! Now quickly… RUN!”

 

*Take delighted half-naked toddler by the hand and both scamper for the exit.*

 

Have so far denied desperate requests to go back to “Monster Shop”.

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