Felix: “My willy is trapped!”
Me: “No, no it’s not. Your willy is fine sweetheart.”
Felix: “MY WILLY IS TRAPPED!”
At least ten people in the women’s wear section of Marks and Spencer are staring at us.
“He hates wearing trousers!” I say brightly to two ladies browsing khaki jeggings.
Felix: “Trousers off!”
Me: “No, trousers stay on Felix. Trousers stay…”
“Put your trousers back on Felix. Put your trousers back o…”
“Please leave your nappy alo…”
“Felix Benjamin put your nappy back on RIGHT NOW.”
*Watch as a small white bottom disappears behind a rail of pink cardigans*
Loud giggling emanates from the cardigans.
Me: “Right. OK.”
*Pick up wee-soaked nappy, trousers and shoes.*
Three raisins tumble out of a shoe and bounce their way to the feet of jeggings ladies.
Pink cardigans are now visibly shaking to the rhythm of a hysterically laughing toddler.
Felix, between cackles: “I hiding!”
“Mummy! I hiding!”
Have distinct suspicion that the jeggings ladies are no longer actually considering stretchy springtime leg wear, but merely faux-browsing in order to see how this pans out.
An elderly couple are now peering around a cluster of paisley trousers, and a member of staff re-organising quilted gilets has angled herself in our direction with notable interest.
*Adopt a casual ‘It is Perfectly Normal to Have Your Child Half-Naked in the Middle of M&S’ smile and stroll towards trembling pink cardigans.*
Oh god the sign says cashmere. Has he done his daily poo? Has he????
*Kneel down inches from nearest pink cardigan*
Me: “Ok Felix. Here’s the deal.”
“You have to wear a nappy and trousers in shops.”
Felix: “No! I got my bottom!”
Me: “You have wear a nappy and trousers in shops, otherwise… a monster will come and eat you.”
“A really big monster will come and eat you right now.”
Felix: “Big monster eat Felix?”
“But, it’s OK. Because if you put your nappy and trousers back on, he won’t eat you. Because, you see, monsters don’t like trousers. They think they are yucky.”
Felix: “Peas are yucky.”
Me: “Well, that’s your opini…”
Felix: “BEANS ARE YUCKY!!!”
Me: “Felix, let’s not stray from the serious issue facing us here.”
“You are going to be eaten by a really big monster unless you put your nappy and trousers on.”
“If you put them on… then, well, you won’t.”
*head pops out from between two fluffy pink sleeves*
Felix: “Where is monster?”
Me: “Over there, behind the…”
*try to think of a child-appropriate word for gilet*
“… behind the silly puffy jacket things with no arms.”
Lady who has been tending to said gilets walks around the corner.
With three springs and an enthusiastic “I’M A DRAGON RAAAARGH!” Felix leaps out from the cardigans and into the path of slightly alarmed gilet lady.
Felix: “Mummy I dragon and I put fire over monster!”
*Blows pretend fire and a lot of actual saliva over her legs.*
*Looks up at lady*
*Lady looks at me*
*I look back at lady*
What I want to say is “I really am awfully sorry my half-naked son has spat on your knees, and I really will do my very best to prevent him from wee-ing on the floor.”
What I find myself saying is: “Well done Felix! Now quickly… RUN!”
*Take delighted half-naked toddler by the hand and both scamper for the exit.*
Have so far denied desperate requests to go back to “Monster Shop”.