Felix: “My willy is trapped!”


Me: “No, no it’s not. Your willy is fine sweetheart.”






*Look around*


At least ten people in the women’s wear section of Marks and Spencer are staring at us.


“He hates wearing trousers!” I say brightly to two ladies browsing khaki jeggings.


Felix: “Trousers off!”


Me: “No, trousers stay on Felix. Trousers stay…”


“Put your trousers back on Felix. Put your trousers back o…”


“No… NO…darling”


*deep breath*


“Please leave your nappy alo…”


“Felix Benjamin put your nappy back on RIGHT NOW.


*Watch as a small white bottom disappears behind a rail of pink cardigans*




Loud giggling emanates from the cardigans.


Me: “Right. OK.”









*Pick up wee-soaked nappy, trousers and shoes.*


Three raisins tumble out of a shoe and bounce their way to the feet of jeggings ladies.


Pink cardigans are now visibly shaking to the rhythm of a hysterically laughing toddler.


Felix, between cackles: “I hiding!”


“Mummy! I hiding!”


Have distinct suspicion that the jeggings ladies are no longer actually considering stretchy springtime leg wear, but merely faux-browsing in order to see how this pans out.


An elderly couple are now peering around a cluster of paisley trousers, and a member of staff re-organising quilted gilets has angled herself in our direction with notable interest.


*Adopt a casual ‘It is Perfectly Normal to Have Your Child Half-Naked in the Middle of M&S’ smile and stroll towards trembling pink cardigans.*


Oh god the sign says cashmere. Has he done his daily poo? Has he????


*Kneel down inches from nearest pink cardigan*


Me: “Ok Felix. Here’s the deal.”


“You have to wear a nappy and trousers in shops.”


Felix: “No! I got my bottom!”


*more giggling*


Me: “You have wear a nappy and trousers in shops, otherwise… a monster will come and eat you.”


“A really big monster will come and eat you right now.”




Felix: “Big monster eat Felix?”


Me: “Yep.”


“But, it’s OK. Because if you put your nappy and trousers back on, he won’t eat you. Because, you see, monsters don’t like trousers. They think they are yucky.”


Felix: “Peas are yucky.”


Me: “Well, that’s your opini…”




Me: “Felix, let’s not stray from the serious issue facing us here.”


“You are going to be eaten by a really big monster unless you put your nappy and trousers on.”


“If you put them on… then, well, you won’t.”


*head pops out from between two fluffy pink sleeves*


Felix: “Where is monster?”


Me: “Over there, behind the…”


*try to think of a child-appropriate word for gilet*


“… behind the silly puffy jacket things with no arms.”


Lady who has been tending to said gilets walks around the corner.


With three springs and an enthusiastic “I’M A DRAGON RAAAARGH!” Felix leaps out from the cardigans and into the path of slightly alarmed gilet lady.


Felix: “Mummy I dragon and I put fire over monster!”


*Blows pretend fire and a lot of actual saliva over her legs.*


*Looks up at lady*


*Lady looks at me*


*I look back at lady*


What I want to say is “I really am awfully sorry my half-naked son has spat on your knees, and I really will do my very best to prevent him from wee-ing on the floor.”


What I find myself saying is: “Well done Felix! Now quickly… RUN!”


*Take delighted half-naked toddler by the hand and both scamper for the exit.*


Have so far denied desperate requests to go back to “Monster Shop”.