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Me: “It’s just going to take me a little time to get over this.”

 

Husband: “You need time to get over me being mean to you…”

 

Me: “Yes.”

 

Husband: “…in front of all our friends…”

 

Me: “Yes.”

 

Husband: “…in your dream.”

 

Me: “Yes.”

 

*silence*

 

“I’m not asking for an apology.”

 

Husband: “Well no. That could possibly be seen as a touch unreasonable.”

 

Me: “I just need time, you know?”

 

*pause*

 

Husband: “I… ”

 

Felix, running into the room: “Daddeeeeeee!”

 

Husband, looking relieved: “Felix!”

 

Felix: “Daddy you have a willy and mummy haves a bagyyyna!”

 

*Husband looks less relieved*

 

Me: “Vagina.”

 

Felix: “Bagyyyna.”

 

Me: “Va. Va. VA – GI-NER.”

 

“Vagina.”

 

Husband: “Can everyone please stop saying vagina.”

 

Me: “He’s not saying vagina. He’s saying bagyna. I’m correcting him. We’d correct him if he was saying other words. This is no different.”

 

Husband: “Well… ok fine. ”

 

“Anyway, surely the equivalent to willy is fa…”

 

Me: “DON’T SAY IT!”

 

Husband: “Ffffffaaaan…”

 

Me: “Please don’t say that word. It’s gross.”

 

*Chair leg makes loud scrape on the floor*

 

*Both dash to catch climbing child & tumbling chair before they hit the ground*

 

Husband: “Careful Felix!  Chairs are not toys. You could get hurt.”

 

Felix: “Chairs are not toys.”

 

Husband: “No. Exactly.”

 

*hands him battered plastic Postman Pat van*

 

“Well if not… the F word… then something else…”

 

Me: ”He’s not calling it a foo foo or a fairy den or something.”

 

Husband: “Foo foo. Why can’t we say foo foo?”

 

Me: “He cannot go through life referring to lady bits as foo foos.”

 

“He’ll never get a girlfriend.”

 

Husband: “The fact he pees his own pants and shoves toast up his nose will probably prove larger stumbling blocks.”

 

“By then he won’t be calling it a vagina anyway.”

 

*whispers* “He’ll call it a pu…”

 

Me: “DON’T SAY THAT!”

 

“He will never say that.”

 

“Oh my god you’re so gross.”

 

Husband: “Does he even need a word for it yet?”

 

Me: “Yes! He needs to know females are not males minus a willy. We are not defined by the absence of something.”

 

Husband, quickly: “Yep yep, fair point fair point.”

 

*Moves toward the fridge to avoid fierce battle between Postman Pat and a one-eyed teddy that’s just broken out at our feet.*

 

“Maybe we just use an already existing word?”

 

*opens fridge door*

 

“Celery?”

 

“No… wrong shape.”

 

“Cauliflower!”

 

Me: “This isn’t a joke you know. This is important.”

 

Husband: “AVOCADO!”

 

*triumphantly holds half an avocado wrapped in clingfilm above head in Statue of Liberty-esque pose*

 

Me: “Urgh. This was exactly how you were being last night.”

 

Felix: “Careful daddy! Avocados not toys. You will get hurt!”

 

Husband, catching my glare: “That I might Felix, that I might.”

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