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Felix: “Can we get a dog?”

 

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!”

 

Me, iPad in one hand, almost entirely blank piece of paper entitled ‘Christmas presents’ in other: “Afraid that will never happen sweetheart.”

 

“Daddy hates dogs.” 

 

Felix: “But I said please!”

 

“THAT’S NOT FAIR.”

 

Husband: “Oh you don’t want a dog Felix. Horrid things, dogs.”

 

“I could give you a hundred reasons why not to have a dog.”

 

Me, looking up: “A hundred?”

 

Husband: “Yep.”

 

Me: “Go on then.”

 

Felix: “Alex has a dog, AND…”

 

*eyes glint with delight*

 

“It sniffs…”

 

*dissolves into giggles*

 

“It sni…”

 

*more giggles*

 

“Itsniffs…”

 

BOTTOMS!

 

*collapses with hysterical laughter*

 

Husband, defiantly: “Number one. They’re obsessed with ars… ‘bottoms’.”

 

Felix: “BOTTOMS!”

 

“Bottoms! Bottoms! Bottoms!”

 

*leaps around room*

 

“FART!”

 

Husband: “Number two. They jump up everywhere.”

 

Felix, ascending the back of an armchair: “BOTTOM FART!!”

 

Me: “Down from there please love. Chairs are for sitting, not standing on.”

 

“Felix… down please.”

 

Down Felix.”

 

Down.”

 

DOWN.”

 

“D…

 

… Good boy.”

 

*Look back at iPad*

 

“Any more thoughts on what to get your brother for Christmas? They’ve got a shirt made with ‘recycled post-consumer waste’ on here.”

 

Husband: “Which means…?”

 

Me: “Not entirely sure. But you know – it’s ethical. We really, really should get all our Christmas presents from companies that produce ethical… oh no scrap that it’s a hundred and fifteen quid.”

 

Felix: “I want a dog for Christmas!” 

 

“Tell Father Christmas I want a dog!”

 

Husband: “Well. While I’m sure he’d love a shirt made from recycled plastic bottles, what I reckon he’d really, really love, is to go off mountain biking… with me… again.”

 

“You know – properly.”

 

Me: “…properly?”

 

Husband: “You know – go off for a weekend. Or something.”

 

Me: “I’m sure he would. How kind of you.”

 

Husband: “I’m just saying, you know – he’d like it. That’s all I’m saying!”

 

Felix: “AAAAAATCHOOOOOOO!”

 

Me: “Felix cover your mouth with your hand when you sneeze love. And don’t wipe your nose with your sleeve!!! Come on. Here’s a tissue.”

 

Husband: “Number three. Dogs slobber all over the place.”

 

Felix: “I WANT TO GET A DOOOOG!”

 

Me: “You could pretend to BE a dog?! That would be fun!”

 

Felix: “I don’t want to be a dog I WANT A DOG IT’S NOT FAIR I HATE YOU!” ”

 

Me: “Are you feeling hungry love?”

 

“You sound like you’re feeling hungry?”

 

*Produce organic, over-priced faux-chocolate snack bar made almost entirely of dates from jeans pocket*

 

Felix: “Ooooh yes please Mummy!”

 

“Number four. Dogs only give a damn about you because you’re their source of food.” 

 

“Well it wouldn’t be much fun for him to go on his own would it?”

 

Me: “Eh?”

 

Husband: “The long weekend of mountain biking.”

 

Me: “… long weekend?”

 

Husband: “I’d obviously have to go with him.”

 

Me: “Obviously.”

 

*Look across to a silent Felix scrunching his crotch with his hands*

 

Me: “Felix, do you need the toilet?”

 

Felix: “No.”

 

Me: “Do you?”

 

Felix: “No!”

 

Me: “I think you do darling.”

 

Felix: “I DO NOT!”

 

Me: “I know! Have a wee now, then get changed into your camel costume to check it still fits!”

 

“The school nativity is next week!”

 

Husband: “Number five. You have to basically revolve your whole life around their toilet needs else you risk them weeing – or worse – everywhere.”

 

“In fact that should’ve been the very first reason!”

 

“Hold on – a camel? Again?”

 

Me: “Yeah, they got to choose.”

 

Felix: “Camels have humps!”

 

Me: “Apparently there’s ten angels, nine kings, four Marys, two Josephs, a wise man and a camel.”

 

Felix: “And a donkey! Sam’s a donkey.”

 

“Dexter wanted to be a dragon, but they don’t have dragons in that film.”

 

Husband: “Well that’s easy then – just re-using last year’s costume.”

 

“Wait. What film?”

 

Felix: “The Jesus film.”

 

Me: “It’s not a film love – it’s a…” *look across at husband* ”…story?”

 

Husband: “Yeah…a story that happened a long, long time ago.”

 

Felix: “In real life?”

 

Husband: “Yeah…”

 

*Looks at me*

 

“Yeah?”

 

*Looks back at Felix*

 

“Yeah!”

 

“… maybe.”

 

Me, picking flakey brown stuff off the corner of the iPad: “Seriously, how on earth is there Weetabix on here?!”

 

Husband: “Number six. No matter how much their owners try to hide it, dogs leave gross signs of their doggy-ness aaaall over the place.”

 

*Sit’s back, satisfied.*

 

Me: “So that’s six.”

 

“Only 94 to go…”

 

Husband: “Six very good reasons why we’d be MAD to get a dog.”

 

“Sorry Felix – no dogs in this house!”

 

“Felix?”

 

“Felix!”

 

“Don’t wipe your nose on the cushion! That’s disgusting!”

 

“Honestly.”

 

*turns cushion over*

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